The Proof is in the Pudding
by distraught.hallelujah
Summary: In class 3-A, a Bleach fan explains to her fellow classmates why evolution from apes is impossible, using the characters from her favorite anime as proof. Seriously, Byakuya Kuchiki descended from an ape? I don't think so. Renji Abarai? …okay, maybe Renji.


A thanks to all of my loyal readers (that means you, Good boy-chan... you've got me expecting reviews from you now :P) and my beta reader, Syphony17, for all the lovely polishing work. Your laughter is music to my ears.

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"Nakamura, I assume you have plenty of proof to support your wild accusation?" the teacher asked coldly, his fingernails tapping impatiently against the desk. He was simply sick and tired of his number one student questioning his teaching methods. She had just now, in front of the entire class, proclaimed that evolution was a fake.

Miu Nakamura stood up, drawing from her backpack a pile or posters. She made her way to the front of the class and began to pin them up while she talked.

"Yes, sir," she said. "I have infallible proof behind my so-called 'wild accusations' to prove that evolution is impossible. Class, please direct your attention to Figure 1-A." She let the poster drop, and it unfurled gloriously to reveal a dark-haired man standing surrounded by flower petals, his gray eyes smoldering. Eyes widened, mostly those belonging to the class girls. Miu cleared her throat and pulled out a pointer, which she snapped open with a practiced hand and tapped the picture.

"In Figure 1-A, you see Byakuya Kuchiki, the head of the Kuchiki Clan and captain of Squad 6 of the 13 Court Guard Squads located in Seireitei which, for the purpose of this experiment, is in an undisclosed location in Tokyo. Is this man descended from apes? I don't think so."

Miu yanked off the page to reveal the one behind it, with a man with fiery red hair and tattoos marking his forehead. He had a sort of club in his hands that ran off the screen, and a fur cape-like thing around his shoulders. Miu gestured.

"This man might be, though," she explained. "Renji Abarai, lieutenant of Squad 6." She yanked that one off to join Captain Byakuya Kuchiki on the floor.

Miu pulled that sheet down to reveal the next person, a white-haired boy holding a sword at the ready. Ice wings were attached to his shoulders and ran protectively down his arms to meet his sword. Miu nodded appreciatively, gesturing with her pointer to his hair.

"As you can see," she said, pointing from the hair to the wings and back to the hair. "This man, Toshiro Hitsugaya, captain of Squad 10 of the 13 Court Guard Squads located in the exact same place as it was two minutes ago, is descended, not from apes, but from angels. It is apparent that, not through evolution but rather through an added fee, he has attained an attractive body to go with his understanding and free will."

The teacher looked lost. Miu cleared her throat and continued, pulling Captain Hitsugaya down to join his comrades on the floor. The next one was of a woman with ginger hair and a generous chest, a pink scarf wrapped around her neck. She was blowing a kiss. A few boys in the classroom furtively glanced sidelong at the picture.

"Lieutenant Rangiku Matsumoto of Squad 10, descended from the blue-footed Booby," Miu said, tapping the picture. "Although, I'm not so sure about the 'blue-footed' part. Her ancestry was difficult to trace so far back."

Miu tore that one off to reveal the next.

"This is pudding," she said, before catching herself. She stared momentarily at the picture of chocolate pudding before turning to the class. "I apologize. That is a large color photograph of my lunch." The picture was gone in a flash, replaced by the next. Miu cleared her throat.

"This is Head Captain Yamamoto," she said, tapping the picture of the old man with a beard standing calmly, leaning on a stick. "He is descended from a special species of walrus found only in the Cape of Horrors. As you can see, he has no tusks. This may or may not be due to the fact that, through anything but evolution, they were blown off while he was out kicking butt. Walrus have been known to accidentally crush their young when rolling over."

She pulled that one down and brandished her pointer once more.

"This, my friends, is a man descended from a Yorkshire terrier. You can see it in the way his hair glistens. This is Captain Sosuke Aizen of Squad 5. The next picture" _rip_ "is of Gin Ichimaru, who is descended, not from snakes as you might guess, but from the rare Grinning White-Capped Mushroom, found only in the remotest places on Mars."

Miu smiled, slowly pushing the pointer tip back into the handle.

"As you can see, over the past ten minutes, I have proved not only that evolution from apes is not possible, but also that perfection is within our grasp. There is only one picture left that I would like to show you so that you understand that people, and very handsome people at that, can be descended from Kingdom Fungi and Kingdom Plantae as well as simply orangutans. This is Ichigo Kurosaki, Substitute Soul Reaper, descended from Fragaria ananassa, also known as the common garden strawberry."

The next picture depicted an angry-looking orange-haired boy with a sword in his hands. Miu tapped it with two fingers, stowing her pointer away in a pocket with her other hand. "Yes, my friends, strawberries have evolved to the point where they can not only defend themselves, but exact revenge. Think of that the next time you're eating a Belgian waffle."

Miu turned to her teacher and bowed deeply.

"I thank you, sensei, for this chance to stand before you and share my opinions with the class," she said clearly and carefully. "I hope that you too will begin to see the world from my view and come to understand that evolution does not mean merely primates, but a range of others including birds, fungi, and fruit. Thank you."

With that, Miu snapped to attention, finished rolling up her posters, and marched back down the hall to take her seat. The teacher slowly stood up.

"Thank you, er… Nakamura," he said hesitantly. "Er… I think that will be… um… all for today. Please remember to take your books and… er… posters when you leave. Be careful when walking home, stay on the sidewalks, and look out for cars… uh…"

But no one was paying attention. As soon as he had dismissed class, there was a rush of feet, and now the room was empty. The teacher sat down with a sigh. He wasn't being paid enough for this.

End


End file.
